Agh!!

The more I look, the more I see. The more I see, the more I hurt. I envy. I cry. But I know I shouldn't. But there's a lot of things I do that I shouldn't. I wonder what is wrong with me. Why do I always get the shitty end of this stick? I know I am not a bad person. I am not a bad lover. I know I love too freely. I care too freely. I hurt too easily. Although I try to hide it. Why can't I be the happy one? I live to love. So why do i always end up loveless? Am I not lovable? I keep telling myself 'don't take it personal' but no matter how much I say that, I still find myself hurting and wondering why. I know I shouldn't care and I know my questions and my opinion don't matter. But I am so hurt... I feel as if I have been preyed upon.
God, grant me peace please.
I know who I am and I know whose I am. I know that I am worthy of love and I know that I am loved by my Father, the King. I know there is a reason for the things I am experiencing. Perhaps it is my punishment. Or perhaps He is trying to reveal to me that I am worth far more than I thought myself to be.
Even though I would like to say I am not going to cry anymore and I am not going to care, I will. I am human. I wish at times I could be numb and cold, but that's not the person I was made to be. So I will experience yet another heart ache and I will cry. I will be sad and hurt. Then in due time, I will be fine and move forward. Perhaps to a new disappointment, but perhaps to a smile.
Gotta let go and let God.