gaping soul hole

I found a flashlight so I went searching for my soul. I discovered a gaping hole that has potential to swallow me whole.
How it got so big? I only wish I was in the know.
but I know now about this hole now and all I wish to be is whole now.
Cus in this hole, I'll drown, I'll just disappear. Even if I made a peep, nobody would be able to hear and if I cried for help, nobody could even care because no one would even know I'm stuck in there...
the gaping hole in my soul.
I've never tried to fix it, but repeatedly its been filled. At this point of desperation, what I need is to be healed.
I didn't want to get too personal but my ego's not that strong. I've been doing a lot of shit i know good and well is wrong. So I'll spill my guts in cursive, hell, I'll even write a song just to get back in good grace because that is where I belong.
I've been chain-smoking cigarettes but I never bought a pack. I've lost some good people in my life that I wish I could win back.
I am a college dropout. I'm conflicted by my past. I never know where I'm going and my decisions are often rash.
I've had a hard childhood, adolescence was no better. I know you're probably saying "She was a lot different when I met her."
There's a thousand things I'm ashamed of and plenty of things I hide. Some of the things I have gone through has caused a piece of me to die.
I am acquainted with disappointment and very familiar with pain. I wanted to quit too many times but no struggle, no gain.
I have intimacy issues, its really hard for me to get close. I've retained some really horrible memories, that I just cannot let go.
Intruders have rampaged my temple, and people have crawled underneath my skin. Someone once told me that takes healing from within.
I've often used men for comfort because I don't like to be alone. I'd fall into their arms when i felt like I had no home.
I try not to show emotion, I am smitten by my pride. There are million tears of mine inside I prefer be left uncried.
When I do cry, I cry a lot but I try to hide my tears. I always try to act real brave but so many things I do fear.
I do pretty good at hiding pain because beneath it lies so much shame. I've had so many lovers, so many faces, so many names but at the end of the day, or the night I should say, not a single one I can claim.
Its a sad sad reality, but the truth shall set me free. And I acknowledge the fact Miss Karma is chasing after me.
Its been way too long that I've been karmically indebted, she's claiming what's hers and she aint leavin til she get it.
She's beating the shit out of me and taking all that I owe her. So maybe when she's done,
I can finally close this gaping hole in my soul.

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